Unbelievable!

I am sick! I knew I was getting sick but I didn't have the determination to NOT get sick. Yeah, so I'm sick ='(

But I can't afford to be sick. No matter how I dislike taking medicine, I will take them because I have lotsa responsibilities now.

I felt extremely relieved today for Puta wasn't in school today. Phew~ Don't have to avoid anyone. Just walk wherever I want to ^__^

This very unbelievable thing happened to me for the first time and I hope it’s the last time for this 15 years, 8 months and 29 days I’ve been alive! Wokie, it’s not a day yet so it’s 28days. And a half.

Can you believe it?! I did NOT pass up my September Chemistry test paper to my teacher! And I’ve been enjoying my holidays like it’s none of my business! It was objective items on the first page so I thought I have the paper 1 and have passed up paper 2. Only today I found out that it’s the whole answer paper. Thank God teacher didn’t scold me or whatever. She said she will put TH for me that means Tidak Hadir. Anyway, teacher gave the answers and I failed. She said it’s better that it’s written TH than F.

*sigh*

Dear Puta,

I don’t want you to hate me or whatever. It’s fine that you think whatever you want to think about me or what I’m doing. I’m good with it if you continue doing that, being like you as you always do. I miss the time we spent together. Precious memories that none can replace. Now, I’m waiting an official command from God. If He says turn back, I will turn back. But He doesn’t say anything, so I won’t do anything. Do NOT hate me.

JL

It's not really easy for me today. Unconsciously checking my phone all the time for messages. Although I know there won't be any hope that I'll receive message from her but part of me was still hoping. Fine~ Forgot about her~
Today I saw JL in church. He's back from KL. Gosh! I love him so much. Like normal lovey laar~ he's so huge! And looks hug-able to me. May be next time I've get someone that's very hug-able. 10 years from now! [inside joke.]
Thanks to him. I felt so encouraged to carry out Recess Revolution in my school and coordinating Recess Revolution in schools of Kuantan. Sometimes we really need encouragements and reminders from people of God. Awesome! God is good!

xD

September 26th

Today is September 26th. [Who doesn't know about that? =__=]
Though it has only been a half day, but still so many things happened. God is good!
Let's talk about something happy 1st.

Jenny and Tee's wedding! Woooohoooo~ Actually I don't know them. Just that they're getting married in my church, might as well go and join them after HG.

I got a chance to take a photo with Jenny!
[Thanks Alfred!]

Look at him! He's so cute dressing up like that. Wilfred, smile! =D

Now she's cuter. Phoebe the flower girl.
Well, she wouldn't wanna take photo with me.
Sobs =(

Let's now talk about HG. Basically it was fine.
But I wasn't. I didn't bring my phone which is very rare, so no photos taken for the day.
My heart is broken. But Benjamin will not allow Jasmine to have not even a drop of tear for Svinina. And Jasmine is trying her best not to cry. What she can do is just sigh.
Svinina is such a bad person. She's rude, total disrespectful and somehow idiotic. I wanna say more but I don't think it's a good thing.
I've seen her talking bad about people. Her expressions. Clearly appearing in my mind. Just that I can't believe now she'll put on that same expression and talk bad about me.
Yes! I don't know Svinina that well. And I shouldn't be acting as if I know her well. She's incomprehensible. And she has terrible mood swing.
Well, frankly now I felt relieved. I've been asking God for answers. What should I do about this. WWJD? After weeks of asking, He answered me. Thanks to YS. Now I know what she has in mind. Now I know what to do.
I just felt everything I've done for her is total crap plus extra useless. She doesn't even appreciate me. Times that I don't have much freedom but to listen to her. But I can't say much. I chose to approach her in the 1st place. However, I didn't regret making that decision. Because through trials only I can grow more. Again, God is good!
Not every single person suits me. But one thing for sure is that, NONE suits her. She's living in her world. She's not willing to come out of her comfort zone and learn to adapt with essential living skills. Not literally living you see.

To Svinina:
God has sent me to tell you what's wrong in your life. It's okie if you choose to hate me because God's people always face persecutions. It's like a story in the Bible. You can hate me and chase me away. But God is the one that's gonna discipline you. Useless branches will be cut and thrown into fire. But I believe God's still trimming you. God wants you to bear fruits. My task is done and over. You can choose to do the same thing to another person God's gonna send or you can step out of the comfort zone and face the truth. You're the one having problem.
I don't hate you. I love you more than you can imagine.
In a friend-friend way, of course!

Burf-D

Adrian's birthday. He's moodless =__=
But still,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ADRIAN!!!
We (the basketball gang) played for so long at the Lim's house and I don't know what else I can say. I know! Chien Li and I missed the birthday cake because of our moms.
*sobs*

We went off early and along the way to church I've talked to Chien Li about something that I wanna share to someone for quite sometime. But among the gang, I don't know who to talk to. Glad that I talked to Chien Li. As usual, giving advices =X

And randomly we took a photo! Haha xD

:Cheers:
:JazZ xD::

Recap

Since last Friday, we MYF-ers have been hanging out together until today. And of course tomorrow. Can we go out on Friday too? Then it'll be ONE week! xD
1st day: Basketball day!
Peeps present: Enwei, Chien Li, Kevin, Adrian(Leng Zai), Alfred,Alisson and Benjamin xP

Leng zai (inside joke) and Enwei

Then, Vacation Bible School for 3days!I'm leading Flash and the crew leader for Flash 1. This is Gabriel which everyone loves. Proud to have him in my group. Though he's been a little hassle to me.

VBS '09: Crocodile Dock [where fearless kids shine God's light.]
Flash was always in front of Tucker. In another way, Tucker was always behind of Flash. So the crew leaders of Tucker had the chance to pull some prank on the crew leaders of Flash. Yupe! the victims were Hendriq and I.

Where's my slippers?!?!

But of course we had lotsa fun. In these times, I recalled things that happened around this time last year. The memory is still fresh and new, yet memorably. I missed that time, would want it to happen again. But when something is gone, it's gone. It won't come back, it won't happen again. No matter how hard you pray.
Is there something between us? I'll look at you when you're not looking. You'll look at me whenever I'm not looking. But when I look at you, you'll look away shyly. as if you're caught doing something wrong. I've tried taking the 1st step nearer to you. But it's a too-small step. You can't see what I'm doing. You won't take any steps further either. I'm sorry. I'm not the "banana". I'm not that initiative. I'm used to take a small step and others will take a big leap. But it's different with you. Nothing is gonna happen between us. Not anymore. I knew it. Today.

X)

*Untitled* xD

It’s 3 weeks after all the drama. So fast! Like a blink of an eye. But still so many things happened. Talking about seniors, to choose the best senior that I know in school, Xiezi Jing[Her Japanese name] is the best! Seriously none can replace her. None can treat me better than she does. I did some comparisons. She’s so much better than somebody else. At least she waves at me and says hi when we see each other. She’s nice in MSN and blah~ at least she doesn’t have mood swing like some bizarre creation of God. At least she respects me as her junior and friend. At least she doesn’t and won’t treat me like a toy. A ball. Tossing me around whenever she likes/wants.

Enough of her this time. Kinda regretted for quashing mission F.A.H.

But!

CONGRATULATIONS!

To Cheryl and Susu for being able to go to Japan for 1 year for the AFS exchange student programme! though I still can't really believe that Cheryl got the offer, but I'm happy for you! Start learning Japanese now! Gambateh!

A long way to go...

This day...

Last Saturday, I spent my morning at school for a basketball "clinic". And then, I looked like a Malay. I was tanned! We learned or relearned the basics. Coach said we would have telematch but it didn't happen. What a disappointment! Some pathetic girls had a hard time just after a few practices and warm-up sessions. They vomitted. They went back after that. Owh come on! Don't go for it if you're not feeling well. Trouble your parents to pick you girls up =__=
So, we put more effort on the basic, and guess what? My butt hurts so badly like no one's business. [Beg for sympathy it seems?]

On Sunday, we went to Bukit Gambang water park. We as in Alfred, Alisson, I and other church members. My butt and thighs hurt. Now, I look like an Indian =__=

::Wanna hike!::
::Ben xP::

Quashed!

The 10th day of mission F.A.H : 200% FAILED!!!
I failed on purpose. I was soooo stupid.
Extrapolation time! ==>>
1. You would want something very much when another party doesn't give it to you. When that party gives you, you won't want it that much already. Gosh! That practically happened to me today! I saw something, which had changed everything. So, mission F.A.H is officially quashed! I couldn't make it. 10 days are too much for me to bear. I'm so sorry, Jia Wern and Ashvini. I know you guys helped me a lot in working things out but I failed. I'm not strong enough.

2. think of the good sides of a person. Not just the bad things that person did to you. You're suffering much, that person is fine. So, don't be stupid! The happy agreement: We'll make each other happy for the times that we're together. Though it's just a verbal agreement but I still hold strong on it. I believe we can make things work together. But a lot of things happened that was so bad, this agreement seemed to be gone. Utterly useless. I wanna be pertinacious. I wanna make things work. Since KK is so not initiative, I'll take the 1st step again. I have to work for it to happen. It's all in my hands.

--I'm free!--
--Ben'JazZ xD--

The day of happiness...

When I first heard about this, I wasn’t happy at all. Because none asked for my opinion. None wanted to know how I feel. Not something nice for a SDHDFA like me. I would tell my friends about it in a sad manner. There’s nothing to be happy for. It’s not something that’s gonna change my life. I’ll still be me. So, what’s the point of being so happy about it? But Zack was super high about it. She’s happy for her and for me. Kept asking me what am I gonna wear, what is she gonna wear. Hello?! I don’t know!!!

But maybe because of her, slowly I got heated up about the event. Blah~ and I was happy and excited!

My first time taking photo with Charleen.

Golf club for the background

Look at this indian girl beside me?!
It's my sis though.
[crap! I moved too soon =P ]

Menu of the day!

My mum, Adran and my sis.
Adran: hey~!
Michelle: *ignorant*

guess what is this?

A time of prayer before the exchange of rings =]

I was sitting near the Indian side, so all you can see is only Indians =X

--happy for you!--
::JazZ xD::

Follow your heart~

7th day of mission F.A.H. : 50/50
Jia Wern said I failed my mission('cause I was thinking & talking about KK?).

I got a lot of input in school today from my friend. KK's absence gave me more space to think too.

To conclude, Zack said follow my heart. Do whatever that I want to do. Don't have to think so much about other people. Don't have to care about what other people feel.

wowww... it contradicts what I've been doing after the heart-breaking experience I had back in Form1.

All that she said needs serious considerations. Should I really not care about other people? [Alisson says yes! Haha!]

That person is not my friend if he/she doesn't respect me. Then what? Tell that person that we're over? huh?

I can't satisfy every single person on earth. If I keep on trying to satisfy other people, I won't be satisfied. I won't be happy. That's quite true. I am IMeMineMyself. I don't have to change because somebody doesn't like me being me. Yes! I'm sarcastic and lame. Love to talk crap. Likes running after someone. So what?! If other people are okie with who I am now but you dislike it, it's your own problem. You should change. Not me!

Mission F.A.H still on? I don't know. I don't want to carry on. It's something that I have to do because it's for my own good. But I don't want to. Tell me what to do.

-Blur-
-Ben'JazZ xD-

Failure

The 6th day of mission F.A.H : officially failed!
My bad. I did so many things that I shouldn't be doing.
I wanted to...
I searched...
I looked...
I observed...
I thought...
I waited...
I smiled...
I hesitated...
I talked...
crap~! I failed myself.
Suddenly I thought of something that I don't want it to happen.
Please! Do not get used of the life without me. I promise that everything will get back to normal after the exams next week.
I feel so bad when all these happen. Am I doing the right thing?

:i wanna:
:Ben'JazZ xD::

It's not easy...

The 4th day of mission F.A.H.
Ashvini told me not to count. But I wanna know when did I started this and whether I can make it work or not.
It wasn't easy on the past 3 days where I'm not seeing KK. Today,was very not easy. I asked God what should I do, and I'm still waiting for His answer.
For now, I choose to avoid. So that KK doesn't get anything from me, not affecting KK's studies. So that I don't get anything from KK, not affecting my studies.
I hope KK doesn't realize what my mission is. But part of me hopes that KK does. But if KK does, KK will spend time thinking what's wrong with me. Which might not happen but still I don't wanna take the risk.
I'll be gone for almost a day for my sister's engagement. Looking forward to it for no obvious reasons. So, the 5th day of mission F.A.H. will be much easier for both me and KK [i guess].
As long as I know you're there, safe and healthy, then it'll be great. Just enough for the discontent girl talking here.

::I'll miss you::
::Ben'JazZ xD::

I love you!!!

So many sad things happened to me recently, it's time for me to go back to my dear MYfers. It's them who give me lots of fun and comfort whenever something sad happens. This 200th post of my blog, I dedicate it to all of you MYFers out there!

And thank you very much, Jonathan for all that you've helped me with. I felt sooo much better after talking to you. Though it's not easy for me to spill all the beans out, to be totally honest with you but I'm very grateful that I followed your car back home that night. You're always the same, helping the emo girl. You reminded me of the first time I cried in front of you. You're as nice as the first time I know you =D

Loads of love to you people! Muackksss~

::Blessings!::
::Jasmine xD::

Incomprehensible

It’s not as bad as I thought. To me, I always feel there’s a need to make things clear. For them to know what I think and for me to know what others think. But some people are just incomprehensible.

Recently I’ve been told that there’s something wrong with my attitude. All of them told me after they’ve kept it in their heart for quite some time. *sigh*

Just tell me what’s wrong on the spot. Why keep it in your heart? I’ll try my best to accept without taking any offence. At least after knowing, I can change. Thanks to all of you for telling.

For the N times of this year, I’m provocative to her. It makes me very sad whenever I upset you. I’m sad because you’re angry with me. Thank God the urge wasn’t too strong. If not we’ll be shouting at each other at canteen today. Haha! WWJD? I walked away. Like Jesus walks away.

You indirectly told me that you don’t like my sarcasm; I’ve been trying not to be sarcastic to you. Did you realize that? May be not. Sarcasm is already in my blood.

But if you don’t tell, it’s very hard for me to know. You said you wanna know who dislikes you so that you can avoid that person, taking a precaution step. Isn’t it the same with me? Knowing what you dislike and avoid doing those things, taking precaution steps.

When someone touches on your attitude problem, it’s an omen of a turning point in your relationship. I can’t just sham that nothing has happened between us and everything goes back to the original condition. If it happens, it happens.

I know you’re disappointed with me. I know how you feel when you talk about someone’s attitude. Just that I’m not reproached by you yet.

::tearless::

Bitter...

My old way of explaining everything and restoring relationship: Writing.
I felt like writing everything down and email it to you.
But I don't wanna affect you and your studies.
I really wanna explain everything to you.
Will you listen?

Telepathy doesn't work anymore

I really don't know what to do. I don't know what you're thinking. You don't know what I'm thinking. Why are you having such a mood swing? Sometimes you're just nice, playing around. Sometimes you're being so rude as if I owe you all the money on earth. What can I say? What can I do? NOTHING!
I wanna tell you how I feel. I wanna tell you how much sorrow you cause me. But I can't. I care about how you feel. But is there anyone that cares for what I feel? It's my choice for what's happening now. If someone asks me whether I regret making such decision, I'll say "No" without hesitation. But I'm so sad =(
Because of you, I became so hardworking. Even my friends were shocked. And now because of you too, I slowly became lazy. Because of what you've done to me, I skipped tuition.
I might be overreacting and oversensitive. But after my friend heard about it, she said I'm not overreacting and oversensitive. It's true that you have mood swing. It's true that you're treating me badly. I'm not spreading bad rumours about you. I'm just telling a person of what's happening to me.
What I can conclude is that: Telepathy doesn't work among us anymore...

::sobs::
::minT~::

I Am here...

Here I am again...
Struggling for time that is never enough for my hectic life.
But my promise to her and myself is that : I'll always be there whenever she needs me.
I love being appreciated =D
For more than once I've been thinking what's the whole point of me helping her so much. Sacrificing so much but not sure what I'm getting in return.
May be I'll get nothing in return.
Even my friends don't understand why I'm so into her. Jia said I'm obsessed with her.
If I'd have to make a choice again, I'd have chosen the same thing. There's no turning back. It's forever.

::I wanna be happy::
::JazZ xD::