I've just made my choice yesterday. I started to cope with my new lifestyle. It wasn't easy. But something happened in school today that made me regret making such a decision.
That's a teddy she got for me. She didn't get anything for me from KL last Saturday but she went to ECM to get this for me. She purposely bought this for me. Means she still care about me. Now, I'm ashamed of the choice I made yesterday. But nothing much will change. I'll still hold onto my decision, but I'll alter a bit of it. I'll not leave anyone. And I'll be there whenever they need me. I hope my promise to you wasn't too much that might make you misunderstand. We're friends. Today in school was unbearable. Ash said both of us looked sad. Why? Because I've made such a stupid decision? Because you knew what's my decision? Sometimes I don't know what I want. Sometimes I don't know what you want. I know I've been acting stupid today. Utterly useless. I'm hurting others by doing that freaking decision. I didn't care about their feelings. I regretted. The 3 bites I got somewhere near my ankle are getting worse. They're kinda swollen & reddish. Worst of all, they're itching!!! T^T No hiking Bukit Pelindung for PJ today. We had a basketball match. I spent a lot of energy on the match. I played wild. I didn't care much. Just wanted to release my stress. It worked. But I was exhausted for the rest of the day. Wanted to sleep but I tried my best not to sleep in school from now on. Do not underestimate me. Though I look short & tiny but I do play basketball. And of course, my team won. My friends said my "performance" was good. But they didn't know what made me went wild. But accidents happened. Taufu speaking here. I was cheering after I shot straight into the net. Then, the ball hit me somewhere near my eyes. I fell straight away. Man it hurt. Thank God I'm not blinded. My fingers were hurt too. Basketballers are rough. It's inevitable.
I went "jogging" with AYe yesterday. Because I was cycling but she was jogging. When we reached Taman Gelora, she said she didn't like the weather. It was windy & cooling. Looked like it was raining soon. So, we didn't jog. Just walk around chit-chatting ^__^ We took photos that I can't upload it here, sadly. But it's okie. I'll keep it to myself. I got bitten by red ants when I was on the sandy area. 3 bites and 1 scratch on my calf. They're itching so badly but I can't scratch. I have got enough scars.Everytime I go out with her sure something will happen. Guess I would need to suscribe more health & safety insurances.
Someone saw us together yesterday. Someone that we wanted to hide the truth from. Someone that I want to hide thre truth from. Why was I so paranoid? Why did I wanna cycle off when she saw me? Why can't we approach her and just say hi? Why can't I let her know that we know each other? I don't know. I'm used to keep our relationship from being known. This is the 3rd week that I'm doing this.
This is my promise to you: Next week will be the last(4th) week that I'll be doing this. From 9th of August onwards, I won't care what other people think about me. I won't care what they wanna say about me. I'll just walk with you in school like normal friends do. I'll just talk to you without looking around nervously. I won't care to run away when people see us together. I wanna be called "friends" with you. I don't wanna lie anymore about our relationship. I would just say: " Yes! I know her " when people ask about us. Today, I felt free in school. Only some knew why. I knew why. I've again crossed the invisible line. Though I told her to stay away from the line. Why did I do that? The freedom I had today. I had a talk with Ashvini today. She said I should stop caring about her. Because she doesn't even care about me. She didn't even do anything with her friends about me. And I know she won't do anything. Even AYe did something to me that she won't even do. And I've only known AYe for 3 weeks. My task with her, is to make her happy. But I'm not. When can I be myself and have fun? With AYe. maybe that's why I'd rather argue with AYe than talk to her. I don't know what I want.I'm not in the situation that I have to choose either. Like Bella needs to choose Edward or Jacob in Twilight saga. But still, a decision has to be made. I think I've made a choice.
I'm reading Eclipse again! For the 3rd or 4th time? Not bad eh... Today we had physics & chemistry periods. I was expecting something worse for physics than chemistry. But in the end, I got B3 for my physics. *shocked!* Chemistry? *sigh...* Today Jing Wen didn't come to my house. I was a bit disappointed but at least I got a nap. Thank God! I went for a jog near my house in the evening. I don't wanna be left behind again tomorrow. Gonna work harder! I don't know why I took a short time to finish the route. May be it's because I've trained myself walking up Bukit Pelindung? That's why it wasn't very hard for me anymore. Breathing was more even. I didn't sweat much. Which was something that I wasn't happy about. Mostly because of the sunlight anyways. Looking forward to tomorrow. Thanks a lot for your help, Alisson. Something happened again today. If you're reading, AYe, let me tell you what do I think about it. There are 3 possiblities why it happened. You know you're famous in school. Everyone wants to talk and spread about your stuff. 1st : It's YOU that gave her that freaking note. 2nd : Someone that hates both of you wanna spoil your relationship. This person doesn't know much of what happened between both of you. It can be seen through the way she left the note. 3rd : Someone that likes you but hates her. She wanna protect you by asking her to leave. But she did it in a stupid way. Get me?
Today is such a bad day. Let's start with this morning in school. I felt freakishly bad. Tummy was uneasy. Felt like vomiting at anytime though I didn't eat much in the morning. I was dizzy. Almost fell a few times but managed to hold something near me. Had headache but not so serious. No fever so considered safe from H1N1? I went to 5C to look for Susu. Half of the students of 5C weren't in class though I saw them at the assembly. So I asked where were those people? Even my dearest senior wasn't there! Someone told me that they went back because they had fever. My instant reaction, I shouted very loudly: OWH MY GOSH!!! Then I ran out of the class. That's very dangerous. But I regretted leaving the class so quickly when I was on my way back to my class. I could have been infected with the fever, get quarantined, get confirmed for having H1N1, my friends will thank me for that one whole week the school will be closed, and go back to my Father. What a cool way of dying? I'll be on the newspapers, TV news, internet... God touched on another area of my life. I cried out to Him after so long He's breaking my heart. now my eyes are soooo tired. Hope it won't be swollen tomorrow.
Yesterday (Saturday) was fun!!! In the morning, hiking at Bukit Pelindung. In the afternoon? Got rid of naggings for a few hours. Was tired after the hike but can't really have my nap due to noise disturbance. But it was fine. Then, I woke up and watched [Gabriel] the movie. I really don't understand what was it trying to say. Even after reading the synopsis of the movie. Hmmm... Anyways, thanks to Kanchana for lending it to me =) At night, MYF time! As usual, ice-breakers, worship, devotion by Kevin & Alfred that shared on Timothy & Titus respectively, prayer and then... GAMES!!! Overall we had 4 games + ice-breaker. Unbelievable... This was the best one. Futsal! Guys versus girls...
This was the "ball". Fragile, plastic made.
Guys were very rough. If you can't see well, Hendriq was in red. And that's Kevin & Adrian. Can you see the ball in pink?
In the photo: Keh Yee, Adrian, Kevin & Jeslyn.
In this photo: Kah Lok, Rachelle, Hendriq & Adrian.
In this photo: Jeslyn, Hendriq, Chien Li,Rachelle & Kah Lok.
Most of us that involved ourselves in this game were sweating badly. Too bad we ran out of time. But in the end, GIRLS WON!!! *cheers* Note: If you guys wanna play this game again, please make sure all safety precautions are taken. Because "Taufu" got kicked 4 times. FOUR TIMES!!! it hurts =( For those that didn't come, I can only sigh for you. haih... too bad laar~ In conclusion, yesterday was fun. MYF is fun!!!
In the beginning, something confusing happened. Why do our brains have so much of space to think about useless & pointless stuff & act it out? Can't you leave us alone?!?! My mood was absolutely affected by what happened. "Why" was the only word in my mind. Well not exactly theonlyword. But I knew I can't hang onto my bad mood for long. Hey! I was hiking! Why don't I enjoy this time with mother nature & forget about all the others for just 1 hour? I did. I started feeling more relaxed & cooled down. And took photos!
This is only one of it ^__^
Though I went with someone, but it felt like I was totally alone. I knew I can't catch up with her speed, but yet she forgotten about me! Hello? Normal human hiking here. Can't you slow down???
I sweated a lot. Which was a good thing. At last had the chance to talk. That's the whole point! TALK. Blahblahblah... Quite pointless chit-chat but we can't only talk about serious stuff all the time. Chit-chat, have fun, laughing together sound much attractive... As usual I had a good time, but still have to worry what others knew about us.
A respond to JonathanCool in my cBox. She's forgiven.
We still had our PJ today. Teacher asked us to go to the basketball court while she tried to get basketballs for us. Everyone was like: What? We're not going to Pelindung? *frown* The form 3 class was going. What can't we follow them?
Because teacher said:
"I can't reach the peak and I have to wait for y'all. I don't wanna get bitten by mosquitoes."
What kind of statement is that?!?!?!
Everyone gathered at the basketball field unhappily. Teacher came WITHOUT the balls. Then she asked us to do whatever we can at the field. Some of them was like people having illegal gathering. They raised their hands up and said: Pelindung! for quite sometime. I wasn't really sure what happened that made the teacher changed her mind but in the end, we went!!! to Bukit Pelindung!!! *cheers!*
We started our hike at about 8 a.m. And teacher said we had to come down at 8:15 a.m. How fun was that? I didn't have the chance to reach the peak aka the gate. crap... Well, it's better than spending precious time at the field doing whatever we can. I jogged up in the first place and I was among the first batch. (the quick ones. Heheh) Then, I can't really breathe so I slowed down. In my mind was thinking, if AYe can do it in such a short time, why can't I? Although I know I'm nothing compared to her =(
But, the encouragement I gave myself didn't last long. I was tired & wanted to go down before it's even 8:15 a.m. But when I looked down, I saw 1 whole bunch of people walking up. I felt quite ashamed for trying to give up while others were trying hard. So, I went on until 8:15 a.m. And everyone went down. *Happy* =D The sweat was bad. Thank God I brought something so that I won't smell throughout the whole day. ^__^ I was walking too fast up & down. Faster than I was capable of. With school shoes? Now my 2 tiny lil' toes are hurting. One leg is so tired. It's so weird. It all happened to ONE leg.
Teacher broke her promise!!! She said she would bring us to Bukit Pelindung during PJ after exam. Tomorrow has PJ. We finished our exam today. But still?!?!?! She freaking broke her promise!!! I'm so sad......... T^T
*Can anyone bring me to hike Bukit Pelindung? Please...*
Wowww... I don't remember for how long I've been dreaming while I sleep. Today's nap was dreamless! Thank God... Why? May be it's because tomorrow will be a long & hard day in school. Thank God for His grace & mercy that nothing much happened in school for the past # exam days. But today? *sighed* I now officially show you guys my teddy I got for my birthday this year ^__^ He's Jackie! lol I'm trying to be cheerful here. Don't try to spoil my mood...
Great! Today was the last day of my school's test. As AYe told me just now, for the past 4 days everything was fine. I agree with AYe. But something happened again today. Or yesterday I should say. Victim S got back together with Victim D. Happy-go-lucky pairs of friends. Happy for them? At least my mission is accomplished. Victim D is good with Victim Y. Laughing so cheerfully like nothing had happened. Glad for them? Not really. Why would I feel like this? Today History's paper was tough. Is there such theory that if our mind is occupied by something, we can't think about other things? Well, that happened to me. My mind was occupied by what I've heard & saw during recess. Once, recess time is the time I'm looking forward to other than to go back home. But now? I'm slightly afraid of what might happen during recess. I couldn't answer my History. I was trying to make sense what I've heard & saw. What I know & what I believe. I took very long to answer my paper. Though most of the time I was thinking of that. At least the tests are over. I can handle what might be coming in the future....
P/S: To Jing Wen: Do have fun this Saturday. Take lotsa photos ya? Take care =)
*If anyone gets offended by whatever I post in my blog, that's your own problem. It has nothing to do with me if your name is not clearly stated.*
Why o why? Why do I have to suffer so much? Why do I have to bear 5 + 1 people's suffering? Jesus showed me: Love another. Is that why I have to suffer all these? Most probably... I wanna tell the whole wide world, I'm not guilty! I'm just doing what He wants me to do! Stop showing me your hurt face! I'm not suppose to act like I'm hiding something from my spouse! coz...
I'm back from K.L... Nothing much happened though.
I bought a bag! ^__^
I bought a pair of shoes! ^__~
I still didn't get my watch =((
I had a very special lunch today~
Guess what's that??? My sister asked me how much was it when it was served. I wasn't sure because I glanced through the whole menu! And she said, "That's what rich people do.Don't see the price before buying/ordering." True ka?
Guess what? Haha xD I'm in L.O.V.E with Bukit Pelindung... Yeah, it's Bukit Pelindung again =__=
As I've mentioned, I went 3 times already this week. Planned to go alone again tomorrow morning. AYe offered to accompany me but in the end she couldn't go because she's busy. Urgh~~~ It feels like nobody can bring me to see my lover T^T LOL I felt stressed yesterday & I wanted to hike. Mum didn't wanna go, fine! She said she'll bring me there. I waited for more than half an hour. Bad mood~
She took me there in the end & asked whether I'm going with who. Alone I said. Then she started her lecture again. BlahBlahBlah...
Why you wanna go alone? Do you know how dangerous is it? If anything happens, who can go up & save you? BlahBlahBlah...
Can't you go somewhere near our house and jog? Why must you come here? Urgh~ Then! While she U-turned back, I saw Wen Yi, her sister & her mum! I saw HOPE!!! ^__^
So I told my mum, she's my friend. Only she allowed me to hike. Wowww... her mum walked up faster than me! I feel so embarrassed @__@ They didn't plan to reach the peak. Just half way through then we went down. Not bad. Better than nothing =P
[My first post uploaded using my phone.] What's on my table?? Lotions TeTe ._. pencil case sejarah reference book bible Hole punch Komsas book & more =)
It's just something I wanna correct on my previous post:alone There I mentioned that i'm looking forward to hike Bukit Pelindung after July test. Just to inform, the hike took place before July test. Exactly last Monday. I've been up to Bukit Pelindung for 3 times this week. Which I'm very proud of. But only once I managed to reach the peak. Feel like making it once a week. Or more than once a week. Family camp is around the corner. I need my body back! LOL...
Today, I lost my cool for the first time in school this year. Before that I would try my best to control my emotion. Showing good sense of EQ. But I just couldn't.Yesterday I had a conversations on being a Christian and not.
[Part A] AYe replied: "I'm a Christian." Ben: "Why are you a Christian?" AYe: "I don't know.My mum asks me to attend church since young. So I guess I'm a Christian." "A Christian is someone that believes in Jesus for dying on the cross for you and trust Him as your personal Lord & Savior."--Ben xP
That was according to my knowledge & understanding + experience involving myself in Children's Ministry where we need to explain what is a "Christian".
AYe: "I believe." Ben: "Do you take Him as your best friend and tell Him everything about you & look for Him when you need help?" AYe: "No." *speechless* Ben: "Means you're not a Christian!" AYe : [tries to change the topic] But is you're talking about Christian, look how S is now. How can a Christian be like her? Her attitude is so bad! She didn't even keep her promise!" Ben: "Have you ever done something wrong? Do you dare to say that you've done nothing wrong before?" AYe: *speechless* "But at least I'm not like her, right?" Ben: "Everyone is not perfect, right? That's why Jesus is here...."
There goes the conversation...
[Part B] I was having nothing to do so I took out the Bible. Was planning to read it with Ashvini. While I was looking for a nice passage, someone asked:"Ash, how do you feel sitting beside a holy-holy person?" Ben: "I'm not holy-holy." Then she mentioned something which I wasn't happy with it.So, I gave her a could-you-shut-up look. She didn't get it,there she went kept on commenting how a Christian should be like. And how I don't look like a Christian. Even Jia Wern & Ash knew I was feeling nice about it & asked her to shut up. "You know what? Christians should have patience & calm. Even I'm not a Christian but I understand about being patient & stuff. Not like you getting......" I didn't really hear what she said because I began shouting. "Can you stop telling me what should I do as a Christian? Stop saying that you know what to do as a Christian. I know I'm not good enough but I'm trying hard here! STop saying how a person is to be like if she's hristian or not!" She stared at me, eyes wide-opened. I wonder whether she really listened to what I said. The Holy Spirit told me: "You ran over the red line. Keep your cool." Breathe Jasmine, breathe... I was telling myself. I took my Bible & kept it while I apologized to God. Then. she was saying something which I didn't wanna hear & I didn't hear.
What's wrong with you people? Stop judging Christian & keep telling them how they should be lik if they're Christians. You're not even a Christian & why are you talking so much? If you know so well on how to be a Christian, why don't you come & be a Christian?
It's past midnight now. A total of ONE day. I've been waiting for your message. Symbols. Picture of your contact. Didn't appear at all yesterday. For the pass ONE week. I've been seeing symbols on my phone. I'm glad. Grateful. Contented. Useless. I've been thinking when will you sms me. Now? or never. The answer: Never for today. I've been thinking if you sms me what would you say? "why didn't you sms me today?" "because I know you won't reply." "How do you know I won't reply? I do reply your message right?" "You don't. Yesterday." Utterly useless. You didn't sms me. Accept the fact, Jasmine. says Benjamin. Helpless. I wanna tell someone how i feel. How "depressed" I am. I would say. Is there anyone? Yes. "I'm here." says Jesus. Anyone else? No. None at all. Today is the day that the Lord has made. I'll rejoice & be glad in it. Not looking forward to a new day. But looking forward for symbols to appear on my phone. Yes. She's emo again. says cheerful Benjamin. "Help me, Ben!" "No I can't! I don't think like a girl. I don't act like a girl." Who else? Gotta find a GIRL I guess. I need a shoulder. To sustain my weight. Make me busy today. I don't wanna think about you.
originally... I chose this one with Cats. Alisson said it meant something to me. But I still wanna ask, something like what?
How boring is black & white? In this case, white & yellow. Thank God for COLOURS.
In the end...
I was the first one that had finished my crap painting. I can't draw & I can't paint. Look! Everyone's working real hard.
[Ladies first.] Let's start with Ruth!
JessLynn xD
Chien Li the poser. If I were her, my head would be on my painting.
yeah Yeah... Enwei wanted to show her masterpiece too! Alisson was... *speechless*
Let's see how the men are doing. Mr. Presidento Guys work well when they're SERIOUS.
Adrian was the second one who finished. Kevin was still working on his bunnies? That's what I heard.
Girls rule! Back to the ladies. Jeslyn & Jess Synn.
Last but not least! JessMinn! Do you know why she's smiling? Because people behind her were praising her at that time. gahhhh
*I bought you something, Jing Wen!* *Someone is missing! Do you know who?*
After that, we went to Medan Selera for lunch. We had Bak Kut Teh. It was nice. My first time eating Bak Kut Teh at Medan Selera in the afternoon with the MYFers. Gave out so many of my first times to the MYF. Then, Enwei, Kevin,Adrian & I went to Megamall. First thing of course we brought Adrian to ease his addiction.
[Time Crisis II]
After he lost, we walked around the mall. I guess I need to get used to guys walking around the mall with me. Enwei & I were being girls. Talking about what to buy & where to buy.
Or maybe Kevin,Adrian & Alfred should get used of going to the mall with girls?
*Dettol hand sanitizer is very expensive nowadays!* I saw 3 different prices today. RM5.50 RM4.88 RM4.90 Guess which one I bought?
Thank God for creating music and people with talents...
Thank God it's not quiet...
Thank God He's with me...
Though I was quite occupied today. But I wasn't in the spotlight. So, I still had space to think. For my mind to wander away. Your face appeared once again. Again & again. Your photo in Facebook. How you look like in school.
Thanks, Ash for your advice: Don't start collecting photos.
I'm not in the mood for History. But I know, that's the only way to stop thinking about you. Bulit Pelindung after July test. I'm looking forward...
I've just made my choice yesterday. I started to cope with my new lifestyle. It wasn't easy. But something happened in school today that made me regret making such a decision.
That's a teddy she got for me. She didn't get anything for me from KL last Saturday but she went to ECM to get this for me. She purposely bought this for me. Means she still care about me. Now, I'm ashamed of the choice I made yesterday. But nothing much will change. I'll still hold onto my decision, but I'll alter a bit of it. I'll not leave anyone. And I'll be there whenever they need me.
